MR. DANGERFIELD... WITH RESPECT
BY DAN MILLER
(originally posted October 8, 2004)
That was in Los Angeles in 1991. I'm told he actually lived in the hotel at the time, and was simply meeting a guest in the lobby.
That was his home. And just as you or I might walk to the kitchen in our PJ's, he walked to the lobby that way.
Rodney touched everyone of us who ever felt the pangs of insecurity and uneasiness about something in our lives. He simply put those insecurities under the magnifying glass of humor.
Keeping Rodney Dangerfield's voice in mind, feast now on a few of his classic lines:
"I told my doctor that when I woke up in the morning I couldn't stand looking at myself in the mirror. He said, 'At least we know your vision is perfect'."
"I told my old man that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."
"Last week was rough. I noticed my gums were shrinking. Turns out, I was brushing with Preparation H."
"I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eating and had to do the dishes."
"My wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!"
"My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it."
"My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of the mirror."
"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
"My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was."
"Once when I was lost... I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him: "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid... there are so many places they can hide"."
"Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room."
"Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch."
"I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get."
"I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!"
"My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend."
"My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair at the time."
"I met the Surgeon General. He offered me a cigarette."
"My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!"
"A bartender asked me, 'What'll you have?' I said, 'Surprise me.' He showed me a naked picture of my wife."
"I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie."
"I was so poor growing up.... if I wasn't a boy.... I'd have had nothing to play with".
"I was an ugly kid - when I was born the doctor slapped my mother!"
"I had a good time last week. I did a show; the whole audience was midgets. I got a standing ovation - I didn't even know it."